First Times Are Always the Worst
by Roxie Faye
Summary: ."Oooh, did I make you mess up?" Mello sounded delightful. Near has his first conversation with L number two and Mello is connected over the phone to hear it. He provides a sarcastic running commentary, and the mutant cats are a problem. Total crack!fic.


**Disclaimer:** Death Note belongs to Tsugumi Ohba, Takeshi Obata, Shonen Jump, Madhouse, Viz, and a whole lot of other people. I am not one of them and I do not own Death Note. I'm not making any money and no copyright infringement is intended.

**How to read:** There's a lot of dialogue going on, and Near is talking to two people at once, so I wanted to indicate when he was talking to the second L. Therefore, anything **bolded** is what Near is saying to Light/L #2/Kira.

**A/N:** This goes with my other fic, _Final Preparations_, but you don't have to read it to understand this. Mello and Near are sort of working in tandem on the Kira case. Sort of. But this is total crack and doesn't make any sense. And yes, there really were mutant cats Thursday night before Otakon in our hotel room. Two words: Pet Sematary

**Edit:** Now with quotation marks because FF.N deleted mine. Thank you **xXxShortxXxPsychoxXx** for letting me know!

-

* * *

After hanging up with Yagami, Mello didn't bother to shut his phone. Instead, he dialed another number and waited for the line to pick up.

"Hello, Mello," the very irritating voice greeted him.

"I just made the call. Yagami should be here in two days," he informed Near. Yes, he was voluntarily giving Near information.

-

It was L's wish that the two of them work on the Kira case after his untimely death. After speaking to the late detective only hours before his death, Mello vowed that he would finish the case and catch Kira in honor of L. He'd do anything to do it, even if it meant working with his most hated rival, Near.

Initially, the two of them (along with Matt, whom Mello insisted be in on the case as well) worked side-by-side, but after just two weeks - a length of time Matt was silently impressed at, as Mello hadn't killed the white haired boy yet - it was clear the situation was impossible. After all, two people could not equally be in charge of a project. One had to lead, another had to follow. And damn it if Mello was going to follow.

So, Mello, figuring he had at least tried to follow L's command, gave up trying to work with the albino freak in pajamas. He headed up his own investigation, dragging Matt with him. The agreement reached between Mello and Near was that each of them would share what new information they had with each other, while also informing the other of any current plots and plans in the investigation.

Like now.

Mello planned to kidnap someone to get close to the NPA, obtain the notebook, and hopefully get closer to finding Kira.

"I was expecting something like this from you, Mello," said Near at the time. "If you must, go ahead."

His attitude had rankled Mello, sending the blonde into a fit of excessive chocolate consumption until Matt had shown him the matter in another light. Oh yes, the albino acted like he had seen Mello's plan coming all along; acted like Mello needed his blessing before proceeding. Near could act, that was all. He could have never predicted Mello's move to kidnap in order to get the notebook. And like hell if he needed Near's approval. Near was fully aware Mello would go ahead anyway, even if he had objected. Agreeing to it was all he could do to save face.

-

"And the girl?" If he was sanctioning Mello's actions, Near had to make sure the hostage was going to be all right.

Mello rolled his eyes on the other end. "Will you quit taking me for an idiot?! A dead hostage won't do me any good. Of course she's fine! I haven't let her out of my sight since she arrived. She's sitting right next to me, PictoChatting with Matt." The gamer had lent Sayu his extra DS and they were currently goofing off in PictoChat (even though they were in the same room), scribbling pictures of undead mutant cats.

Near almost raised an eyebrow. Almost. "You're discussing plans with me and she's right next to you?"

"Well, after I put a gun to her head and, in English, threatened to shoot if she didn't start answering my questions and all she did was beg in Japanese, I think it's safe to say she doesn't speak English, don't you?" sneered Mello sarcastically.

As Near was about to reply, another cell phone rang and his assistant picked up.

"This is L. I've already heard what investigator John McEnroe, or rather, Larry Conners had to say to Deputy Director Yagami in regards to the notebook and the Kira case. Will you help us with the investigation into NPA director Takemura's murder?"

"I don't believe it. It's L," said the assistant to Near, loud enough for it to be carried through the phone.

Mello's eyes went wide and he leaned forward eagerly. "It's L?" For a moment his heart stopped. Could it really be? Was L still... no, rationality and genius got the better of him, stopping his thoughts dead. It could only be the second L. Well, this was still interesting. Damn! He wanted to talk to the second L first!

"Goddamn it, Near! Connect me to the line, now! I want to hear what he has to say."

It was tempting to say refuse Mello, just to annoy him, but the white haired boy was not in the mood for a screaming session from the blonde, especially not when he was about to have his first meeting with the second L.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist, Mello," groused Near as he fiddled with the wires to set up the connection. There. The blonde could now hear everything the second L had to say, even if he couldn't respond. (Near decided the second L didn't need to hear Mello screaming, either.)

Near said to the assistant, "Pass me the phone. **I'm pleased to meet you at last, L number two.**"

"Number two? What do you mean by that? Who is this?" said the person on the other end after a pause.

"Well, well, well," commented Mello. "He's totally surprised. Isn't this amusing."

Near chose to ignore the blonde. "**There's really no point in trying to hide it. We are a new organization known as the SPK or Special Provision for Kira. It was established to find and capture Kira without the help of L. Furthermore, seven of our top members already know of L's death.**"

Mello grinned. "Hah! It's nice to see your irritating attitude get to somebody else for a change. This guy is so pissed right now. I wish I could see his face, I bet it's priceless!"

"**As for myself, I am at the center of the SPK. You can address me... as N.**"

This time, Mello outright laughed. "That's not even _funny_," he said, doubling over with laughter anyway. There was something about the way Near said it, the smug inflection in his voice ticking off someone other than the blonde, that just made him laugh.

Mello's laughter was quite infectious, much to Near's dismay. The corners of his mouth had curled upward and his shoulders were shaking and he hid his unfounded amusement from the second L. "**I told you that we wouldn't rely on L.**"

"Unfortunately," interjected a still laughing Mello on his end, deciding to comment on Near's every sentence.

"**But that's a bit of an understatement.**"

"Ya think? Yer talking to him right now." Mello snapped off a piece of his chocolate.

Near smiled at Mello's antics, but continued, "**The FBI and the CIA have explicitly asked that I head up their investigation, not you. Having said that, we are outraged by the recent murder of the director of the NPA and feel something must be done.**"

"Hey! It's not my fault Kira made him kill himself. What an idiot I was going to let him live, too!"

"**After reviewing the information I believe there's a possibility that solving this case could lead to the arrest of Kira. As such, I'm willing to lend you my full support.**"

"I'm willing to lend you my full support," mimicked Mello in a high pitched voice.

This time, Near switched his conversation with L to mute as he let out an audible laugh that had been building up from Mello's sarcastic narration of the dialogue. The rich sound rang throughout the room, sound waves vibrating through the telephone line until Mello could hear it all the way on his end. After a moment he demanded, half-amused half-annoyed, "Shut up, Mello, you're making me laugh! I'm supposed to be having a private conversation with the second L and your running commentary isn't helping!"

"Oooh, did I make you mess up?" Mello sounded delightful.

It was lucky the second L hadn't said anything else yet, as Near would have missed it from the laughter. But the silence on L number two's end was beginning to grow disconcerting... and suspicious. "**Is there a problem, L?**"

"Yes there is!" Mello responded in falsetto. "I'm totally freaked out right now that you know I'm the second L, because it means you're smarter than I thought and OMFG I actually have to work now so you don't become suspicious of me, because it kind of is bizarre that I'm impersonating L! It could mean that I knew about the real L when he was alive and..." Mello broke off, thinking through his train of thought.

He had kidnapped Takemura, and now Sayu, because of their connections to the Japanese police that had been investigating the Kira case. L had been working the Kira case with them, so who was to say that a member of the task force working on the Kira case wasn't the second L? They'd be able to mimic his mannerisms and habits quite well, after spending so much time with him. In fact... hadn't one of the members working on the case been a suspect of L's, chained to him for months? Mello's eyes widened, that was it!

"The second L is Kira!" he shouted loudly.

At the same time, L number two said to Near, "No! It's just that following the death of Takemura, Deputy Director Yagami's daughter was kidnapped and we believe the same person is behind it. He's arranged for a trade in LA."

"Near! The second L is Kira!" Mello repeated.

Unable to reply to Mello at the moment, Near ignored him. "**A trade? The girl in exchange for the notebook, I assume.**"

"Yes," said the second L.

"**Understood. I'll have a team on standby in LA, but for now we'll be working on a need to know basis. Also, I can monitor the city via satellite.**"

"No, don't bring in any of your team. You'll fuck up my plan! Besides, I want to see how L number two, or Kira, rather, will handle this," Mello told him.

Near amended his words, "**...Or... on second thought, I'll let you have full authority on this, L.**" He flicked a switch and ended the connection.

"The second L is Kira!" said Mello again, now that Near was off the phone.

"Uh huh. I heard you the first time, Mello," said an annoyed Near. "I concur with your conclusion. If that's all--"

"Hey!" Near heard Mello give a muffled yell, as though he were yelling at someone in the room with him and not Near for once. "What are you doing? Erase that right now!"

"Is something the matter?" asked Near laconically, although he was sort of curious as to what was happening.

Mello growled. "Matt and Sayu decided it would be funny if their PictoChat mutant cats started attacking people, so now they're drawing pictures of me being attacked!" he said distractedly (because he certainly would not have admitted it to Near if he wasn't).

Mutant cats? Attacking Mello? Near giggled at the absurd thought. Priceless - if only he could see them! "Tell Matt to take pictures of it and send them to me!"

"Matt," he heard Mello say away from the phone, "Near wants you to take pictures and-- Hey!" the blonde finally caught himself.

Near snickered, and he could hear Matt doing the same on the other end. "Will do!" the gamer shouted from the background, before resuming a fit of giggles.

"It's really not funny you guys!" Mello shouted and whined. "Ahhh! The cat's on my head! ...Matt! Get the goddamn cat off me!"

Knowing the blonde was too distracted, Near quickly ended the call, just in time as he laughed himself right off his chair. He didn't seem to mind, even though the SPK members crowded around him to make sure he was alright. "...Mutant...Cats!" was all he could choke out before dissolving into tears of laughter.

-

Owari


End file.
